I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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