1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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