his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
