And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
