his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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