just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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