Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
