I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
