I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
How external is "for external use only"?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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