Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
