I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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