I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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