we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
