Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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