my sisters under your porch take her home
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
