A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.