I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
