I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
