We're like a lot better than the average bears
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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