it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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