Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
