Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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