I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
