so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
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