bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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