gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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