I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
