Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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