I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
