Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
