Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
