So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
