i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You can't special order awesome
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
