He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
