every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
