im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I skipped work to stalk him.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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