I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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