Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
