I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
