I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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