my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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