you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
