When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
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The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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