My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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