just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
