i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Randomize
