Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
