Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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