i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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