you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
