I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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