I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
