I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
