i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You took a bar mat shot.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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