You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
