i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
