I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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