So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
